And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
