dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
