he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
