You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
