yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
