if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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