Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
