i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
