I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
