the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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