3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
