just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
