I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
