as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
