Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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