Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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