I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
