Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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