chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
