Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
