What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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