We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
