"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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