I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
