When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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