Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
