I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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