one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My vagina just recognized that song.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
