I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
