I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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