My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
