glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
