You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
