I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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