I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
