So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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