I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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