I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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