even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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