Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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