This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
