The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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