first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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