My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
