I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
4 words: hood of his car
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
