I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
