Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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