i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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