Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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