The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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