you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
tell me about the eggs
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