I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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