cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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