the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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