porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
