Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A+ Viking dick
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
