woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
